I ran into 'Tariq' again, at a busy intersection of foot traffic and shops on base today. You may remember Tariq from my earlier post in which we had discussed the future of Afghanistan as the coalition withdrawal looms. Rather than politics, this time we pulled off the side of the path and chatted like old friends reunited, catching up on personal lives and work, enjoying the breeze and pleasant spring temperatures as they cooled with the setting sun.
Tariq, like any ambitious young man is hoping for a promotion soon, and if he is unable to move up, he is considering moving back home, to open up some commercial properties he has invested in. I asked if he might try to get another job with the coalition closer to home, but he thought the distance was safer for him and his family and helped him focus on the job at hand. He also said that some of his Kandahar friends that work closer to home have actually moved their families to Kabul in order to keep them safe and prevent threats being made that could prevent them from doing their job. I was surprised, because I had assumed he would want to be closer to home, and it seemed strange to have a 'local' who was essentially deployed within his own country, but that is the reality for many of the 'local' workers and security forces.
After catching up with our professional lives we then moved onto personal relationships. I told him I was still single and not looking, which is nearly unheard of for a man my age in Afghanistan. He informed me that there was now a girl on his horizon. However, he has little to do with the developing relationship, because it is actually his mother who has been busy trying to find him a wife. Since we last spoke, his mother has reportedly found him a beautiful, educated and conservative nurse that works in Kandahar.
Our discussion reminded me of a Seinfeld episode, in which Jerry and Elaine are trying to hook George up with a friend of Elaine's. Jerry spends the episode discussing the girl with George and getting all the details about what George wants in a woman, and Elaine is busy doing the same with her friend, trying to paint George in the best light possible.
'He's bald?!'
'No! Not bald. Balding.'
'But he's going to be bald.'
'.... Yeah'
However, in Pashtu culture things work a little differently. Discussions of looks are not a priority and the couple being matched are never actually directly involved in these discussions, rather family members act as intermediaries. He said in Kabul the groom might actually visit the potential brides family, but that is considered quite cosmopolitan, and too western for even the big city of Kanadahar. In Kandahar, families will 'shop around' for brides or grooms for their children; and if a potential match is found, the family will then propose the match to members of the other family.
I asked if he would get to see the girl or picture of her; and he said he probably won't, and asking for a picture would be a bit too bold as well. But in a modern twist of globalization and social media, he said she will likely be able to find many pictures of him thanks to Facebook. Meanwhile, he said her family was concerned about his work and how it may keep him away from the family. He said they were a traditional and close knit family, and she would be unlikely to move away from Kandahar and her family. It was quite interesting to see what lengths the families went to in order to find out more about the other's child, in their tap dance of traditions and tribal norms, which prevented them from broaching any question too directly.
Although the two may never meet in the courting process, and may not even meet the other family, they can still be very involved in the process and fairly resourceful in gathering information about their possible match. Tariq told me that he has asked his mother to visit the girl's mother and tell him how she keeps her kitchen, and disciplines her children. However, even peaking in the kitchen seemed a bit too personal and his mother did not want to overstep her social bounds.
He also said, he wanted his mother to ask around with friends and possibly even the girls neighbors to find out more about the family. For one, he said noisy neighbors who fight or argue are considered lower class, and he would not want to marry into that kind of family. He said that parents and husbands in Pashtun culture are too quick to raise a hand in violence in disciplining kids or wives. He said this abuse, and concealing women, are both distortions of Islam in Afghan culture, and reminded him of a quote from Muhammad Abduh, a religious scholar, who said, 'I went to the West and saw Islam, but no Muslims; I got back to the East and saw Muslims, but not Islam.'
Throughout our conversation, he kept noting that each of these obscure methods of match making and gathering information were things people did in the city, so I asked if it would be different in the villages, and he was very definitive with his yes. In Pashtun villages, where resources and family wealth is limited, children often become one of the few commodities available to the family. They are bartered as brides or grooms to friends, or to resolve a dispute of honor, or even seal business deal. Sometimes these pacts are made before a child is even born, and often a groom is promised, in hopes that the pact may bring the son they desire. In the village both the bride and groom are told who they will marry, while in the city they at least play a role in the search for their match.
The extensive research and family involvement also underlie the importance the decision has in the culture where divorce is not an option. It reminds me of a quote from War and Peace, which I happen to be reading at the moment. Prince Andrei is a newly wed and about the head off to war. Instead of dreading the separation from his wife, he is actually looking forward to regaining his independance and pursuing the masculine adventures of combat. Recognizing his son's outlook his father says, 'They're all like that; one can't unmarry.' Such sentiment is lost in the western world of divorce and 28 day celebrity marriages, but in Afghanistan, marriage is still viewed as a 'til death do us part' commitment, and getting it right is a family affair.
In my travels I've learned that social norms that seem so logical, concrete and timeless from within, can be very illogical, unfounded and foreign to the rest of the world. Though I try to remain open to the cultures of the places I visit, I am glad I enjoy the cultural norms of the west. At the same time, Tariq also seems happy with his lot; and he is rich with life and social insight. He happily shares his wealth with me, in our conversations, and I, a traveling trader of tales and culture, am always quick to collect and treasure these conversations as I build my global empire of experiences.
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